Retrospective: 7.13 Jet Lag

Thanks to Twitter Karen for suggesting this one. It’s a little bit like another bottle episode, and it’s just occurred to me that Tony and Ziva are always getting stuck together in confined spaces. The plane in Jet Lag, the shipping container in Boxed In, the elevator in Till Death Do Us Part, the closet in Cloak (okay, that was only for five seconds, but it was totally hot). If this were fanfic world they’d have four kids by now. So thank God it’s not fanfic world*.

*Personal opinion. Your views may vary. I understand some people think kids are awesome.

We start off in some apartment where a maid (she’s got a Spanish accent, but you probably already assumed that) lets herself in and gets cranky with the state that “Mr Parsons” has left it in. God, Mr Parsons is such a shithead. I just know it. The culturally appropriate cleaning assistant wanders through the apartment muttering to herself about the mess and how Mr Parsons is going to owe her extra for this (good luck with that), until she wanders into the bathroom and a black cat jumps out at her from behind the shower curtain. ¡Dios mío! The culturally appropriate cleaning assistant continues on to the bath to find out what the cat was getting up to behind the curtain, and that’s where she finds Mr Parsons. He’s lying in the bathtub, covered in kitty litter (kinky?) with a big claw mark down the side of his face.

Behavior of pets after the owner dies sidebar: If I dropped dead in my house for whatever reason (murdered, tripped over my shoes and cracked my head open on the coffee table, chocked on a ham sandwich, etc), I think I’d be okay with my dog eating me so that he didn’t starve to death. It’s not like he’d be doing it out of spite, you know? He’d just be doing what comes naturally. And after I die, I want him to continue to live and make me proud by being the best gosh darn doggie there ever was. So, eat up, Professor Puppy Pants. I’m cool with it.

Credits.

McGee’s sitting in the bullpen with his feet up on his desk and watching something on his computer that’s making him laugh when Vance wanders in from behind him. Upon catching sight of The Big Toothpick, McGee stops his Tony-ing around and returns to his role as the model agent. Vance exposits that Tony and Ziva were supposed to get in contact with him before they left with their witness. He hasn’t gotten a call so what the hell’s going on, yo? McGee tells Vance that Tony and Ziva’s flight was delayed, and Vance is all, “I’m playing the role of a ‘shipper tonight, so I should make a comment here that suggests I think that they’ve decided to stay in Paris a bit longer so they can get in some sexy time.” McGee nips that in the bud straightaway, and counters that Tony and Ziva hate travelling together. Further, they hate doing anything together, and he’d bet the house on them being completely miserable right now.

Vance’s dubious face:

He impresses on McGee that SecNav himself wants Tony and Ziva’s witness in the US by tomorrow. “Where the hell are they?” he wants to know. McGee’s expression suggests that he’s just been bombarded with about a thousand answers for that question and none of them take his fancy.

He takes too long to answer, so the show moves on without him. Montage of stock shots of the Eifel Tower, the Louvre, all your popular Parisian landmarks. It appears we’ve landed in Paris, and straight away you know that it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Because if NCIS has taught us anything, it’s that Paris is the place where partnerships go all screwy when one of the partners puts on a bad wig and lets the other partner get arrested by the gendarmes while watching from across the street. Oh, Jenny Shepard, you diabolical little so-and-so. Did we ever find out what Gibbs was arrested for? Do we care? No? Then let’s move on. The point I was trying to make is that Paris is totes bad for NCIS agents. And also it’s where extremely clingy doctor-like girlfriends come from. God, I hate Paris. You know, I went there once when I was a kid. I don’t remember anything about it except for standing at the bottom of the Eifel Tower and thinking, “Is that it?” Note for parents: International travel is wasted on 10-year-olds. Ungrateful little shits. Kids are not awesome, especially when that kid is me.

Right. Paris. Ziva is sitting at an outdoor table at a coffee shop with a latte or whatever. That coffee probably cost her €15 to drink while sitting down. As the French would say, “Ooh la la, Petit Mademoiselle MoneyBags!” (Two years of high school* French right there, bébé.) (*Public high school. Obviously.)

Ziva’s on the phone to McGee who’s back in the States, and she’s telling him that they’ll be on their way to the airport as soon as Tony returns from “seeing the sights”. She gets all eyerolly and exasperated about it, like Tony’s being a massive pain in the ass (I’ll take her word for it—God, can you imagine travelling with that guy?).

But she doesn’t get to bitch and moan about specific annoyances before Tony comes up behind her driving a little silver scooter, and it’s like George Clooney* himself has rolled on to the set in Valencia that’s doubling for Paris right now.

*Not even a little bit like George Clooney. But it is definitely very Michael Weatherly, and that ain’t half bad.

Ziva au reviors McGee as Tony gets his rhyme on (“Tell McGee I love Paris!” For real, I would stab him before we got on the plane). Ziva exposits that they’ve got to pick up their witness at the embassy, but Tony’s not so keen to leave just yet. He says one day in Paris just isn’t enough. Then he goes on about how the light there is beautiful and rattles off some artists he knows and this’d all be great but he’s just commandeered Ziva’s croissant (that’s my first unlikely euphemism for the recap) and seriously, who the hell does he think he is?

Ziva’s listening to him with that look she gets when she’s simultaneously thinking, “God, you’re so annoying,” and also, “But I’d still like it if you impregnated me.”

Ziva reminds him that they’re not on vacation, and Tony gives her this look as he counters, “Hm, but it is a beautiful day.”

And this is where we, the audience, are meant to start thinking “OH MY GOD THEY TOTALLY DID IT*!”

*They totally didn’t. Unless you ask JMHaughey.

Ziva catches the look and the tone, but instead of confirming for us that they “did it”, she demands to know why he’s in such a good mood. Because clearly, she doesn’t trust it.

If I were Tony’s co-worker, I wouldn’t trust one of his good moods either. But Tony just says that he slept well last night. “Why? Didn’t you?”

Cue Tony’s sneaky little punk face:

(As an aside, I really like his coat.)

Ziva:

“You certainly looked…comfy enough,” he goes on.

Ziva:

Tony:

Ziva:

His facial expression equivalent of “Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more” finally makes her chuckle with derision, and then she throws him a “you crazy” look.

  

Indeed.

With the moment broken Tony goes on the say that Paris isn’t like what he thought it would be, but all he had to go on was a French arms dealer and his rather fetching, incredibly clingy and emotionally manipulative daughter. (I’m paraphrasing.)

Ziva says it’s time they got going, and Tony leads her to the scooter. She gives another derisive snort for show, but clearly wants to get on it (if you know what I mean, and I think you do), so she does. “And that’s when I fell for the leader of the pack…”

It’s kind of cute. And he seems to be enjoying it more than the last time we saw Tony giving someone a dink on a motorbike.

Back in D.C., McGee is looking up their flight details. Hey! It’s 26 January! That’s Australia Day, folks. You learned something new today. Let’s all get drunk and sunburnt!

Vance wants McGee to keep him abreast (hee) of the situation, but then ol’ man Gibbs strides in and tells McGee they’re going on a trip. Just the two of them. “Somewhere exotic?” Vance asks hopefully.

McGee doesn’t look as enthused as Vance. Probably because he’s done more travelling with Gibbs than Vance has. Man, who would I prefer to travel with? Gibbs or Tony? I think Gibbs. At least he’d be quiet. And he’d find you good coffee.

Anyway. Gibbs says they’re actually going Downtown with Ducky to see a dead Marine. And wouldn’t you know it? It’s kitty litter guy. Ducky says that in Tony’s absence, he feels compelled to make a comment about this particular crime scene. “A terrified Janet Leigh, and the inability to enter the shower for several weeks.”

Gibbs:

“Really, Duck? Really?”

Ducky tells him it’s a reference to Psycho. And that’s the second team member (after McGee) to pick up the Tony slack. Ducky says that aside from the kitty cat scratch down Mr Parsons’ face there are no other signs of trauma. He thinks he’s been dead between 36 and 48 hours. He also notes that the kitty litter would have masked the smell of dead guy rotting from the neighbors. Handy hint for the serial killers amongst you.

McGee says there is a bunch of high-end items still in the house, so his death wasn't a robbery gone bad. And they’re all left wondering how a guy on Mr Parsons’ salary afforded high-end items and a culturally appropriate cleaning assistant.

Indeed.

Charles de Gaulle Airport. Tony and Ziva are escorting Nora, their witness, onto a New World Airlines flight. New World Airlines: We don’t fly to Mesopotamia. Tony exposits that Nora is a whistleblower on a major defense fraud scam, and that she’s awfully relaxed for someone carrying that kind of pressure. Nora—dear, sweet, stupid Nora—replies that she has faith in Tony and Ziva to protect her.

Oh, dear God.

Ziva says she wishes all of the people she came across in her work were as nice as Nora. Tony’s like, “I’m nice.” Ziva laughs at him. Because she’s nice too. Aren’t we all just so nice?

Nice.

Tony calls Nora Pollyanna and makes reference to the happy ending. Ziva tells Nora that Tony likes Bambi, “Where the mother dies.” What? I don’t get it. Why’s she bringing up dead mothers?

I don’t know, so let’s distract ourselves by wondering about a few other things. 1) Nora’s in seat 9A, but she’s actually sitting on the opposite side of the plane to the As. That would’ve been an easy fix, people. Sloppy. 2) More importantly, I don’t know why Tony’s in a business suit for this flight, aside from the fact that it’s a pretty nice suit and he looks pretty good in it.

But if you guys are anything like me (and if you are, I don’t want to know you), you probably wouldn’t think about wearing full business attire on a long haul flight. I mean, I know I’m Australian and that our dress standards are—how should I put this?—crap. But would you really wear a business suit on a Paris-D.C. flight? You’re not Sinatra, dude. If you can’t bring yourself to go out in public in your comfiest tracky dacks, at least just dress it down to jeans or cargo pants or something. And lose the tie. You don’t need to wear a jacket and tie on a plane unless you’re the pilot. Just chill out.

Ziva spots the air marshal and wanders over to show him her badge. The air marshal says he’s been looking for the NCIS people. He says he checked everyone on the flight to make sure that they’re not terrorists or your general garden-variety bad guy. This satisfies Ziva, and they all settle in for the flight.

Back in D.C. McGee’s drilling open a safe in Mr Parsons’ house. He finds a bunch of expensive watches inside and a file with newspaper clippings about the death of a New York real estate mogul six months ago. Then McGee says that the case is still unsolved, but it’s not clear how he knows that simply from looking at six-month old newspaper clippings. Gibbs posits that Mr Parsons was the professional hit man who took out the real estate mogul. Because if you keep clippings of someone’s death in a safe, you’re probably involved. That doesn’t seem quite fair to me, but what do I know? Rien. I guess it’s another tip for you serial killers. Don’t keep clippings of your murders. It’ll make people suspicious of you. Also? Where I come from, having that kind of pride in your own achievements is just tacky.

In another folder they find an unused round ticket to Paris on the same flight that Tony and Ziva are on. What a coincidence! Then they find a photo of Nora in the safe. What a bigger coincidence! They reckon that Mr Parsons was supposed to kill Nora. Good thing he’s dead now instead.

Back in the bullpen, McGee says that Mr Parsons was on leave from the Marines when the real estate mogul was killed. They also find through photos and stuff that Mr Parsons knew Nora was working in Paris, and that NCIS were supposed to escort her home. He’s got all her medical records and details about her family, friends and fiancé. The fiancé is a gentleman named Daniel Sturgess, and Vance stops by to say that Sturgess is already on his way in to talk to them. Convenient!

Sturgess is all, “Nora’s the best! The dude she’s blowing the whistle on is evil!” Turns out he works for the guy too. That’s foreshadowing, in case you can’t tell. Boss man is fleecing the navy for millions by controlling the contracts for fixing up ships when they arrive in port. Or something. Whatever. Gibbs is wearing glasses.

That’s much more fun than the exposition. Blah blah blah, Nora worked it all out. But all the hard evidence she found went missing, so Nora’s good memory is the only thing keeping the case together. And that’s why they’ve got their crack team of Tony and Ziva guarding her.

How is she not already dead?

Plane. Tony’s showing Nora his Parisian photos on his camera and throwing around phrases like “geometrical shapes” and “negative space”.

Ziva deploys her patented “You are causing me pain” face:

Tony says, “Sometimes I think I should have done something more creative with my life.” Nora sweetly says that she thinks he’s in the right profession. Because his photos are shit. Bless. She says that his photos are soulless and analytical. Ziva says they look like crime scene photos.

Tony pouty face:

Nora suggests that Tony needs to put some happy people in his shots. In his defense, he went to Paris with Ziva, and I can’t really see her having the patience to stand around outside the Eifel Tower and smile for him. Nora raises that, though. “Didn’t you and Ziva go sightseeing together?” Tony and Ziva both laugh as if the suggestion is ridiculous (because it is), and Ziva throws in, “We had enough ‘together’.” (She actually does finger quotes.) “We shared a flight and a hotel room.” She seems a little eager to share that last bit of information, and Nora starts getting her ‘shipper on as Tony looks over at Ziva all, “What the hell?”

Tony says it was the only one available.

Nora:

“That’s how me and my fiancé met. On the job. Travelling on business.” Tony immediately invokes the twelfth. Never date a co-worker. Tony: “My understanding? It can’t be done.” Ziva counters: “It should not be done.”

Nora’s super sleuth face when she hears their different takes on the rule:

Hmmmm. Verrry innnteresting.

Ziva asks Nora how she and her fiancé made it work, and Nora takes that to mean that Tony and Ziva are looking for advice. “No,” Tony and Ziva say in unison, and Tony feels the need to underscore that. “No way.” Ziva says that they don’t always get along, and Tony counters that they don’t ever get along.

Nora:

The lady is not convinced.

Tony changes the subject now and asks what Ziva’s phone call with McGee was about. Ziva just says that McGee and Gibbs caught a case. Tony doesn’t understand why McGee would feel the need to call Ziva about that while she’s in the air, and Nora jokes that the case is probably about her. Awkward looks all around. Ziva assures her there’s no problem.

Autopsy. Ducky says Mr Parsons broke his neck, and there aren’t any defensive wounds. The killer was a trained professional. Abby beams herself in using that videoconference thing that they pull out every now and then.

She says Mr Parsons’ apartment was clean of any useful evidence, but she went through his burn phone and found that it was only used to receive one call from one number. She traced it back to Holly Snow, who is NCIS’s version of Heidi Fleiss. (Kids, don’t ask your parents. They’ll worry about you. Just Google it.) 

Interrogation. McGee is facing off against Holly Snow.

Leading a lamb to the slaughter is a phrase that comes to mind. Holly seems bemused that McGee has heard of her. McGee nervously clears his throat and says it’s all through reputation and headlines, and lets us know that Holly is a D.C. madam. Gibbs says that she’s very talented at not getting arrested. Madams usually are, bro. They bring up that Holly called Mr Parsons right before he was murdered, and suggest that she’d hired him to kill Nora on behalf of Nora’s boss. Holly asks for a plea deal, and says they better make it quick because although Mr Parsons is dead and can’t complete his hit on Nora, someone else has probably already picked up the job.

It’s my understanding from watching Grosse Pointe Blank, The Bourne Identity and Mission: Impossible that this is the way it goes. Contract killing is even more competitive than law. They’re essentially the same profession, except that in the contract killing world, when one of your competitors throws you under the bus, they literally throw you under a bus.

Plane. Ziva’s been on the phone again. She tells the air marshal that a team of homeland security peeps will be at the airport when they land. Air marshal thinks she’s worried that the new hit man will try to take Nora out in the airport, and Ziva adds that she’s worried about a hit man being on the plane, too, because while Nora’s on the plane she’s a stationary target and more vulnerable. She says the killer will just need an unconventional weapon. Like headphone cables, which apparently make an excellent garrote. And plastic cutlery isn’t as safe as we all think. “I once killed a man using a credit card,” she goes on conversationally.

Aw, she’s proud of that one. I wonder if she got extra marks in her Mossad performance evaluation for that year. That’s creative thinking, former Officer David.

Air marshal:

He’s thinking, “How much of a pain in the ass will the paperwork be if I report that?” In the end he points out a hit man possibility to Ziva. He’s wearing headphones and looking shifty. I’d be more wary of the girl with the knitting needles. But headphones guy has refused anything to eat or drink, and that behavior usually gives the flight attendants a case of the heebie terrorist jeebies. At least that’s what they say on that show Air Crash Investigation.

Also, he just looks shifty.

Ooh. Bad guy.

Nora’s checking out a Snuggie in a catalogue. Tony calls it a Slanket. Hmm, that might be an Australian/American thing. A flight attendant tries to hand Nora a plastic cup of water but Tony nixes that and demands that he brings Nora a fresh bottle of new water and open it in front of them. He’s actually doing his job here, but he’s being kind of a dick about it. Nora guesses that Tony and Ziva really think that someone is trying to kill her. She’s not too worried, though. She says maybe it’s just because she’s in love, but she doesn’t believe that people are that bad at heart. God, she’s obviously never worked in customer service. I used to work in a video store, and you wouldn’t believe the surprises customers left for us down in the adult movie section. People? They’re pretty bad at heart, let me tell you.

Federal agents Tony and Ziva also know better, and they share a little smile that suggests that they think Nora doesn’t know shit about shit.

Back to D.C. Vance tells Gibbs that the US Attorney’s Department is reluctant to listen to Holly Snow. Whether it’s because she’s a madam or because most of the lawyers in the department are probably on her client list, he doesn’t say. Then they both stand around while McGee says that he ran a check on the passengers on Tony and Ziva’s plane and no one raised a red flag (aside from Ziva, I’m assuming). BUT, the air marshal wasn't scheduled to be on the flight, and switched with someone else to get on it. McGee also says that he was in D.C. when Mr Parsons was killed. Ooh, the plot thickens. But only a little bit. Like if you simmer it down a little, as opposed to if you add a bunch of flour to it. It’s still a bit runny. But it probably coats the back of your spoon pretty good. You know? Yeah. Like that.

Plane. Ziva’s going through the air marshal’s bag, but none of the passengers around her bat an eye. Really? You’d think those passengers would already pretty fed up with the constant moving around between her, Tony and the air marshal and would just be itching for something to get up in her grill about. But maybe they don’t bother because they’ve seen the air marshal coming up on her and don’t want to get personally involved in a brawl. The air marshal catches Ziva with her hand in his bag (because apparently Ziva can’t be bothered paying attention to who’s around her), and Ziva tries to flirt her way out of it.

Oh, Ziva. The ‘flirt your way out of trouble’ move is really more of a DiNozzo thing. Speaking of, Tony wanders over—LEAVING NORA TOTALLY ALONE—and hands a book on American history to Ziva as if she was looking for it. Tony tells the air marshal that he’s just finished reading the Twilight saga and that he’s tried to suggest it to Ziva because he found it very romantic. As Ziva brushes against the air marshal on her way back to her seat and picks his pocket, Tony continues to run interference and says that he’s Team Edward.

Okay. I am going to assume that’s just one of Tony’s little jokes. Because you cannot expect me to believe that Tony DiNozzo, a 40-year-old man without a bored wife and without a 9-year-old daughter, who spends all his free time watching classic cinema and dreaming of being James Bond, who idolizes an ex-Marine and teases his male colleague mercilessly for being gay because he uses hand cream, would actually spend time reading a book about broody, sparkly vampires who sexualize teen girls. NO. Not buying it.

They return to their seats and Nora asks what’s going on. In a roundabout way Tony says that they now think the air marshal is a bad guy. Ziva hands Tony the air marshal’s cell phone that she just swiped and tells him to call Abby and get her to run all the air marshal’s incoming and outgoing calls. Now, while they have this conversation they throw in a few loving looks and “honey”s and some hand-holding, and although all that puts smiles on the ‘shipper crowd’s faces, it doesn’t make any practical sense. All it gives us is this…

…and gives Nora more ammunition to tease them for being secretly in lurve with each other. She tells them, “You say you don’t get along, but you make a great team.” Ziva insists that things aren’t usually this smooth between them, and Tony throws in that Ziva’s usually much snarkier. “I think Paris changed her,” he says, and then throws her a pointed look, which Ziva then pointedly ignores.

You know, because we’re supposed to think that Ziva changed because they slept together and that’s all she needed to lose her spunk and turn all girly and sweet on him. Guys out there, this really works. For real. If you know a lady who’s been a bit prickly, just sleep with her and she’ll stop being a bitch to you and start giggling at every dumbass thing you say. Scientifically proven fact*.

*Actually a complete lie**.

**Sadly, not always a lie.

Back in D.C., Nora’s fiancé, Sturgess, has attacked their boss, ostensibly because he thinks boss man is responsible for putting a hit out on Nora. Gibbs is all, “Dude, stop attacking our key suspect. You’re ruining my case.” Sturgess says that boss man taunted him about Nora. Gibbs basically tells him to shut his damn yap—“I’VE BEEN DOING THIS SINCE YOU WERE KNEEHIGH TO A GRASSHOPPER!”—then goes to talk to boss man. Boss man admits to nothing, except making a gross joke about Nora’s ‘figure’ because she’s an accountant. Geddit? Great guy.

Plane. Tony wanders back after having a chat with Abby and tells Ziva that there’s no connection between the air marshal and Mr Parsons and HOLY GOD will you take a look at all this leg room:

I know they’re in business class, but that’s still pretty good. I’ve only flown business once and I’m sure there wasn't that much room.

Ziva still doesn’t trust the air marshal and thinks they should take his gun off him. She notes that he’s been in the restroom for a while, and Tony makes the obligatory joke about airline food. And then Tony pulls out his gun and he and Ziva both get up and leave Nora on her own again and OH MY GOD YOU TWO ARE IDIOTS! You know how the whole point of this trip is to protect Nora from people who might kill her? Well, you might want to think about keeping at least one set of eyes on her at all times. You know, so that PEOPLE DON’T TRY TO KILL HER. I swear to God, sometimes I don’t know how these two manage to get through the day without bumping into walls. That’s how stupid they are. To paraphrase whatsisface in Speed: “Looks’ll get you so far, and then they’ll get the witness you’re supposed to be guarding killed.” Because you’re too stupid to do your job properly. Idiots.

So they approach the restroom, and when the air marshal doesn’t respond to their knocks, Ziva jimmies the door open. And there’s our air marshal, slumped over on the toilet with a knitting needle in his neck.

There can’t be too many more undignified deaths to be had by a federal agent. Poor guy. Then Tony and Ziva note that his gun is missing from his ankle holster. Ruh-row!

Bullpen. McGee fills us in that the air marshal got on the flight so that he could get home earlier than planned and see his 12-year-old daughter’s school play. Ah, the ol’ finding-out-the-sob-story-right-after-he’s-been-skewered style of storytelling. It’s a classic. McGee, Vance and Gibbs all agree that the hit man is on the plane. Then Vance gives Gibbs a tiny slap for talking to boss man, because boss man went and called SecNav and had a cry about it. Gibbs is like, “Whatevs.” Vance says Holly’s plea deal came through and she’s on her way back in.

Plane. Ziva eyeballs headphones guy and knitting girl before wandering back over to sit with Nora. Oh, so she’s been by herself again. Some more. Nora’s starting to get worried now and asks how the air marshal was killed. Ziva says he was stabbed in the neck with a knitting needle. Nora takes a deep breath and whispers, “Oh, you are so direct. So direct.” Heh. She says that Ziva’s so different from Tony in that regard.

Ziva knows that’s the truth.

She says she and Tony have different approaches. Nora thinks that means they’re complementary, and asks if she and Tony have really never… “No,” Ziva cuts in. “Definitely no.” She wants to know why Nora keeps asking about her and Tony, and Nora says that they’re like her and Sturgess. A good fit. “Besides, Paris is a romantic city, and you shared a room, so—” Ziva breaks in to say that she took the couch. Then she goes on to say that if she hadn’t, Tony would have whined the whole way back to D.C. about his back, and although her words suggest that she finds his whining intolerable, she’s smiling about it like she has genuine affection for the whining.

Note Nora’s face: “Are you listening to yourself? Get a clue.” It should also be noted that during this exchange Nora seems to be getting sicker and weaker. Not that Ziva notices, because she’s too busy yammering on about Tony’s bad back.

Over in the BIGGEST GODDAMN AIRPLANE RESTROOM IN THE WORLD, Tony’s doing a Twilight Zone bit while he’s processing the scene of the air marshal’s murder.

Next time I fly, I’m going New World Airlines.

Tony’s hooked up to Ducky via a handy laptop (I have no idea whose laptop that is, or how they’re getting such a good link while Tony’s in the air, but whatever). There’s a Mile High Club joke and then Tony angles the laptop so Ducky can to a visual autopsy from the ground. Ducky makes some noises that make it sound like the murder was done by a professional, and then makes a wish for a high resolution shot of the wound. Tony pulls out his trusty camera, but when he tries to take a shot he finds that his memory card is full. As he frets about having to delete some of his Parisian snaps, Ducky snots “If you have any of that pyramid outside the Louvre, delete them. That glass monstrosity is an offence to good taste.”

Ladies and gentlemen, Mr David McCallum.

Awesome.

Abby’s lab. Wow, it’s 30 minutes in to this episode and this is the first time she’s appeared in the flesh, as opposed to via video link. That’s got to be some kind of record. Gibbs comes in and picks kitty litter out of her hair. Thanks, Dad.

Abby pulls up the photo that Tony apparently just sent through, and because this is TV Abby is able to zoom in on the bloody fingerprint on the knitting needle and talk about how she’s going to transfer it into a useable piece of evidence. Sure. Why not? Gibbs gets a call that Holly Snow has arrived, and Abby is über enthusiastic about the prospect of going upstairs to meet her. Because apparently Abby has a fondness for women who run prostitution businesses. Sure. Why not?

Interrogation. Holly suggests that Gibbs likes it rough.

Oh my GOD. VOMIT. I can’t think of one single thing on this show that I need to know less about than how Gibbs likes it. Christ. I’m going to skip over most of this because it is so intensely uncomfortable to watch Holly and Gibbs being all sexy—even if it’s faked sexy. He gets her to give up the account number of the person who paid for the hit on Holly. END SCENE NOW!

Back on the plane, Nora is asleep. Tony reckons that headphones guy is their killer, so he goes and gets Ziva and they both get up and leave Nora alone AGAIN. You should both be fired. Honestly. Headphones guy is trying to make his way to the bathroom. Ziva tries to stop him, he ignores her, so Ziva does what Ziva does and grabs him in a headlock.

He insists that he’s not doing anything wrong. The batteries in his CD player fell out and he was looking for them. Tony and Ziva aren’t quite buying it yet. Tony points out that no one buys CDs anymore, and Ziva accuses him of being strange for the whole flight. The guy says that he’s upset because the airline wouldn’t seat him next to his wife. Then Tony finds a battery on the floor and decides that he must be telling the truth. Ziva lets go of his neck, Tony tells him to go back to his seat, and then Nora appears, calling out for Ziva and looking extremely sick before she collapses on the ground.

But...? But…? When on EARTH would the killer have gotten to her? How did they get past two of NCIS’s top agents? This hit man must truly be a professional. Or a ninja. Or a ghost! It’s the only possible explanation.

Tony calls Ducky to ask for advice. Ducky reckons she’s having an allergic reaction to something and tells Tony to find some epinephrine. There isn’t any in the plane’s first aid kit, but headphones guy appears and offers his own epi-pen. Ziva doesn’t think they can trust him, but Tony essentially ignores her and jams the epi-pen into Nora. She gets better immediately. And Tony and Ziva learn a valuable lesson about judging restless, shifty-looking, headphone-wearing guys by their covers.

Oh, they do not.

Ziva’s still on the phone to Ducky and trying to work out how Nora could have come into contact with an allergen since she hasn’t had anything to eat or drink (aside from that fresh bottle of water Tony insisted on), and “We have been with her the entire time!” Except for all those times when neither of you were with her while you were both wandering around and leaving her completely open to attack by the hit man that you both knew was somewhere on the plane. Minor detail. Ducky suggests that Nora came into contact with the allergen by simply touching it. Ziva picks up Nora’s pillow and is immediately able to ascertain that it has been lined with peanut dust. But Nora couldn’t tell that? She slept on that pillow and she didn’t smell the peanuts? Okay. Sure. Let’s go with that. Ziva decides it must have been a flight attendant who did it.

Coincidentally at this very point in time, Abby has managed to run that fingerprint that Tony sent her a photo of and gets a hit on one of the flight attendants. Well, that’s convenient! Her flight schedule shows that she was in D.C. when Mr Parsons was killed, and her bank account shows that she’s been receiving large deposits. Abby goes to call Tony and fill him in.

Meanwhile, McGee arrives in the lab and tells Gibbs that he’s got evidence that boss man was involved.

Plane. Tony approaches the hit man flight attendant, who is actually a hit woman.

He starts to confront her about being a killer (and, you know, he’s just doing this in the galley a couple of feet from all the other passengers. No big deal. God, the passengers on this flight are blasé about everything. I guess that’s the French for you), and you wouldn’t believe this, but she doesn’t take being questioned too well. She throws a tray of food at him then kicks him in the stomach and face. Heh. Tony tumbles out of the galley and the hit woman turns to retrieve the air marshal’s gun that she stashed. And then Ziva flies into frame and tackles her. CHICK FIGHT!

Tony wanders back in once Ziva’s got the hit woman under control and makes a weird Snakes on a Plane joke before asking for a hot towel. Bzzz! Lame.

Gibbs and McGee arrive to arrest boss man for hiring someone to kill Nora. As Sturgess watches on, McGee says that the money that turned up in Holly Snow’s account came from boss man’s company, and that he was the only one with the access to the account in question, aside from Nora. Boss man says he checked the log and he never wired any money. McGee’s like, “Oh, so Nora just put a hit out on herself, huh?” Probably not, but Gibbs has had a Gibbs-style brainwave. He turns to look for Sturgess, and wouldn’t you know it? He’s gone.

Gibbs and McGee race down to the parking garage. Sturgess is trying to speed away, so they stand in front of his car and shoot at it.

Sturgess keeps driving at them, and Gibbs shoves McGee out of the way…

…before Gibbs’ stunt double arrives just in time to get hit by Sturgess’ car and roll off the bonnet.

Sturgess crashes and McGee jumps to his feet to run around and make sure he’s incapacitated.

Sidebar: I like McGee’s coat.

McGee calls out to Gibbs and says he’s going to call an ambulance, but OH NO! Gibbs doesn’t answer. I guess we were supposed to think that Gibbs might’ve been seriously injured? Whatever. Gibbs gets to his feet and holds on to his shoulder. McGee: “You hit your shoulder?” Gibbs: “NO! The car did, McGee.” Heh. Then Gibbs has a little hissy fit and kicks said car. McGee cuffs Sturgess, and Gibbs limps off out of the garage.

Over at the airport the hit woman is being led off the plane in handcuffs. Nora assures Ziva that she still wants to testify after everything that happened, and says that she still believes in happy endings. “I can’t want to see [Sturgess] after all of this!” she says. Tony’s just been on the phone with Gibbs, so he knows that Sturgess is behind it all. He reluctantly starts to tell her the bad news.

Bullpen the next day. Tony’s flipping through printed copies of his (pretty bad) photos, and says to Ziva, “Bogie and Bergman will always have Paris. And now, so will we.” Ziva doesn’t stop typing, but she gives a little smile of acknowledgement. McGee pipes up to remind us that Nora’s fiancé was trying to have her killed because if she testified against boss man, Sturgess would be exposed for stealing from boss man. Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to write a script for a prime-time cop show. McGee asks how Nora took the news, and Tony says she took it pretty hard. This is when Gibbs wanders in with a fetching new arm sling and reminds them all, “Rule number 12.” Indeed.

McGee feels guilty about the shoulder injury, but Gibbs just says it was an accident and then drags him up to MTAC. As McGee leaves he asks Tony and Ziva who got stuck with the couch in Paris. Tony says he did.

Wait a minute…

After McGee’s gone, Ziva asks Tony why he just lied. Tony replies, “Why’d you lie to Nora?” Ziva doesn’t answer.

Wait another minute…

Those two crazy kids BOTH slept on the couch! No, wait. They both slept in the bed. Ooh, sexy.

Tony wanders over to her desk and says that Nora was right, and he found his favorite picture. “It’s the only one with someone in it.” Ziva takes it from him, smiles, gives him an affectionate look.

She hands it back, and says she thinks it would look better in black and white.

Aw. She’s his favorite photo!

And wouldn’t this all be lovely if the whole message of the episode is actually that there are no happy endings, particularly not for co-workers?

It’s okay. You’re allowed to disagree.